Scary Future

Today is the first day of the rest of my life..

Cool huh?? INSPIRING…

But then I drift a little, and look back… (and yes, I know that the statement is all about looking forwards)..

I see train wrecks…

Unimaginable apocalyptic catastrophes, most of which I was solely responsible for…

Some were set up for me by circumstance…. But in reality, I’m to blame for most of the crap that I have had to wade through..

My close friends, of which there are really only 2 or 3, know all to well the nastiness and idiocy of my past…

The stuff that marched Bill Clinton from office..?? Please.. Don’t make me laugh… I’d shrug that off like a bad case of fleas…

This is life altering stuff.. The kind that makes you look back on your track record and see a carpet bomb that went off at every turn…

A friend of mine once commented.. “you seem to go through life, moving from one crisis to the next” (and yeah, I hated it, but it seemed true).. Another pal said “if you weren’t living on the edge every day, you couldn’t survive.. It is what keeps you going” (and I hated that also.. but again couldn’t argue..

I see myself now on a precipice… The chance to actually start carving the stone that will make today the rest of my life.. and seeing the monumental drop beneath me that will make all self-created screw ups and mistakes seem trivial..

There are lives at stake here.. and now, not just the lives that I might accidentally brush against in the course of my own stupidity, but lives that depend on me.. If things do not pan out.. if things aren’t suddenly gelled together in front of me in terms of new job, new home, new.. Everything, then it’s a looong way down.. And I truly do not want to fall now..

I set my sights on the future, but I am equally scared of it.. I feel like when Wyle E Coyote runs off the cliff.. Knowing that if he can just snag a few seconds of grace from the gravity Gods, he’ll have won the game.. But equally certain that as it happened before, he’s going to be down in the canyon in a cloud of dust that resembles a miniature Hiroshima blast..

This time there is no safety net to speak of.. This time it’s for life, for real, and for family…

This time, I have to pull not only a job, but a home (and a stable one) out of my ear (or somewhere) and do all of that within 30 days from now, while several monkeys sit and eat peanuts on my back..

I am against all odds…

But maybe that’s how I always survive??

Here’s to hoping that (at least) those monkeys can fly (wouldn’t want to be a monkey killer too!)


Be safe, be well, and be alert (your country needs lerts)